Welcome back. Last week, we discussed knife skills for beginners. This week, we address an inconvenient truth: cats do not have the grip, the thumbs or the legal right to handle knives. For that reason, Kitty Kitchen teaches the discipline using paws.
The basic cut
The Paw Slice is the foundation of all our work. Place your paw on the fish, extend your claws just so, and draw them down in a smooth line. Do not press. A good Paw Slice should feel like a conversation.
The Dice
The Dice involves a series of small taps with the paw, each followed by a quick look at the audience. Done well, it produces cubes. Done badly, it produces a fish that has been through something.
The Julienne
For fine strips, use the Whisker Method. Pull each strip between two claws, as if plucking a harp. The sound is soothing and the results are inconsistent.
Safety rules
- Keep claws trimmed and ready
- Never cut toward yourself, or toward a friend
- Wipe your paws after each cut, preferably not on the curtains
- If you drop a piece, it is the floor’s now
- Never cut while startled by a cucumber
A note on cucumbers
A cucumber in the kitchen is a danger and must be treated with respect. Last term a student found one lurking beside the sink. He leapt four feet, landed in the stock pot and was awarded a special citation for creative plating.
Respect the fish. Fear the cucumber.
What the exam will contain
The practical exam will ask you to prepare one fish into six equal pieces using only your paws. A teacher will measure the pieces with a ruler. Pieces that are not equal will be eaten by the teacher, who is always hungry and rarely fair.
A reminder
This is satire. Real kitchens contain real knives, and real cooking should only be done by real people who know what they are doing. Please never let a real cat near a real blade. Cats are best at supervising from the windowsill.
Homework: practise the Paw Slice on a sock. Report your findings on Monday.
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