Last Tuesday, the third year kitchen lost a spatula. It was an ordinary spatula, a beige and unassuming thing, but it was ours. The community has been shaken.
The discovery
At 9:14 AM, student Clementine opened the utensil drawer and found it empty where the spatula should have been. She sat down heavily. She did not scream. She made a quiet noise, a sort of low hum, that other students describe as “the sound of a fridge that has given up.”
The theories
By lunchtime, three theories were circulating.
- The spatula was stolen by a rival school
- The spatula had been eaten by Tarragon, who had been seen near it
- The spatula had quietly walked out, tired of being used to turn omelettes
The investigation
Dean Mittens convened a panel. Witnesses were called, including a whisk, a ladle and a sleepy student who had been asleep. Evidence included crumbs, a smear of butter and the fact that the cupboard door was open.
The panel issued a preliminary finding: “It is a spatula. It will turn up.”
The resolution
On Thursday, the spatula was found inside the oven, behind a tray of cooling buns. How it got there remains a mystery. Tarragon, when questioned, said only, “It looked cold.”
The spatula was returned to the drawer with full honours. A small ceremony was held. A bun was eaten in its memory, though it was not dead.
“I learned a lot about myself that week,” said Clementine. “Mostly that I care about spatulas.”
Reflections
This incident has led to new practices. All utensils are now counted at the start and end of each lesson. A sign has been added to the drawer: “Please be kind to the spatula.”
Counselling
Students distressed by the incident are welcome to speak to a staff member, who will listen and then offer them a snack. For real concerns about your mental health, please speak to a real professional, who is better trained than a cat with a ladle.
We are pleased to report that the spatula is well, if a little quiet.
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