Dear new students, and welcome to Kitty Kitchen Culinary School. I am Dean Escoffier Mittens, and I will be your primary source of disappointment this term.
Our school teaches cooking for cats, by cats, mostly with fish. We are not a restaurant, a cafe or a sad corner of a supermarket. We are a serious institution with a crest, a motto (“Taste first, ask later”) and a kitchen with only two small fires so far.
What you will learn
Over the next twelve weeks, you will study:
- Knife skills, theoretically
- Sauces, practically
- The sacred art of waiting beside an oven
- How to look interested in the cook’s day
- Cleaning, which is optional
What you will not eat
Please do not eat the syllabus. Several students have done so in previous years, citing flavour. It is mostly paper and fish glue, and it cannot be replaced before Friday.
Please also refrain from eating the course notes, the chalk, the dishcloth and the Dean. The Dean is not for eating.
Equipment
Each student will be issued with an apron, a small whisk, a spoon and a hat. The hat is not mandatory, but those without it are marked down for style. Hats may be worn at an angle.
“A cook without a hat is simply a cat in a kitchen.” Dean Mittens
Assessment
Your final grade will be based on a mix of practical exams, written tests and the vibe of your final dish. The vibe is scored by a panel of one: the Dean.
Rules of the kitchen
- No running near the stove
- No jumping on the counter unless a dish requires it
- No licking the butter before it has been used
- No hiding in the oven, even to prove a point
Final thoughts
You have chosen a hard path. There will be steam. There will be shouting, mostly about a missing spoon. There will be moments when you question why you came. At those moments, remember that someone must cook, and that someone has to be better than a dog.
Term begins on Monday. Please arrive hungry and leave humbled. Bring a plate.
Yours in butter, Dean E. Mittens.
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